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How did you cope when someone you love, dealing with hyper-independence and trauma, felt they needed space to heal alone? Were you able to support them without overstepping, and did you eventually reconnect? How did that journey unfold?

10.06.2025 00:40

How did you cope when someone you love, dealing with hyper-independence and trauma, felt they needed space to heal alone? Were you able to support them without overstepping, and did you eventually reconnect? How did that journey unfold?

I can’t forgive others so I can’t be forgiven

had only one friend there , for about 15 months , till he got stabbed to death in 1980, I had a group that always hung around me for protection as I was a hard little fucker , small for my age never hit past 5ft 6 1/2. Was trained to fight by adoptive dad , sometimes 4–5 would sleep on my floor as they darent go to their rooms . But occasionally I had nightmares and freak outs that always ended badly till every body learned to leave me alone and do t interact with me .

I C was extremely independent, refusing help from others even on thing I clearly couldn’t manage , this frustrated everyone around me , I now know where that comes from , the last 3–4 months have been enlightening, I had a road to Damascus moment , and so much of my life now makes sense ( thanks to Quora and online lady called Lara Leon).

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But only I know

I walked out at 16 as I had secretly joined British army , told no one I was going,

How about an answer from the other side!

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I eventually fell asleep at back of front door, my girlfriend, her stepdad and step brother sat on stairs watching me from abou 4am till 8 , he didn’t go to work , girlfriend didn’t either, no one dare go about their daily business,

I was terrified if her witnessing my flaws

I offered no explanation, they were too afraid to push it , really tense day , I hated the fact that her mum and two sisters were too afraid to be in same room as me, all I could say was I told you not to touch me or get involved, I stayed in the room where the sofa was sleep raging , untill dad opened door with brother to try to help , I decked them both , but door was open now , I patrolled house as if no one else was in house they quickly learned to keep out if the way and I ignored them like the Borg in Star Trek.

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They were running from room to room to escape , when storm dropped I went to sleep on floor , it took me till just a few weeks ago to understand where that came from, 55 years of acting that way in thunderstorms.

I was messed up, abandoned many times , ignored , left to manage alone many many times.

When I knew a trigger had happened , I had to tell her “ it’s gonna be a restless night , I’ll sleep on sofa , not touch or speak to me , don’t try to help, just leave me , “ she didn’t get it.i was aware of what caused it , it was a thunder storm , I was afraid if it but I became very angry and aggressive , I patrolled the entire house all night , disturbing whole house , ready to fight the world , all while still asleep. I carried makeshift weapons . Scared the shit out if 7 other of her family, they didn’t listen to her ,

Hi everybody! I have been looking at posts on narcs and narc abuse on here and if has really helped me out a lot. I am currently struggling with my situation and need some advice/support. I met a narc last year, everything seemed to good to be true. Love bombing, always texting calling and taking me on dates. Everything changed when someone warned me about him out in public in front of him and who he is. This caused a conflict with us and the love bombing seized. he would tell me that everything is okay and i can come and talk. He would set a time limit on me and kick me out after that. he would then text me like everything was fine and we hung out again and after that he completely ghosted me for one week. He came back and texted me a week later laughing about the ghosting and acting like nothing had happened. he continued to text me ( not like in the beginning) make plans with me, then on the day of the plans he would just ghost me. One day he would act interested the next silence. i contacted him a month later and he acted like nothing happened. He was on a vacation and sent me a picture of another woman ( someone he allegedly met on the trip) to strike a reaction but i never gave him one. After the trip he came to my place and was extremely rude, accusing me of going on dates with a bunch of men. The next day he accused me of being an alcoholic and that he wanted nothing to do with me but said well maybe we can be "friends" then ghosted me i assumed at this point it was over and i would never hear from him again. He contacted me on the holiday a month later acting like everything was great. We ended up hanging out a month or so later and when we hung out it went well, i thought things were going in the right direction. after we hung out.. silence. I would try to text him and if he replied it would be very short then he just stopped replying. He ghosted me for almost three months. I thought he was done this time and of course he popped up again like nothing happened. At this point i was getting sick of if so i questioned him as to why he dissapeared and always does this. Of course he had some sob story about a injury and family member dying of cancer. I felt pity for him and he gave me an apology.. so i took him back stupidly. things seemed to be going smooth for a couple months, of course until his family member died and his injury got better he never contacted me and was distant. Menawhile, i was there for him during the difficult time for him. He lied to me about the funeral and never wanted to chat. I was chasing him and he would always claim nothing was wrong but when i said i thought he used me when he was down he could not handle it and would always tell me he didnt care and to go away. I would get so upset i would try texting him to work it out he would barelt respond and if he did he would not be nice about it. we did hang out a couple times after that, he would ignore me after. One day i was like hey i think you are seeing someone else, and i was like well ixam seeing someone so no problem if you are he said " buy bye good luck with your new guy stop contacting me" i was devastated and tried to get into contact with him for weeks then i just gave up and accepted it was over. He ended up contacting me a month later acting like everything was fine. He wanted to go out and have drinks i told him i would. He and i both seemed to have a great time. He ends up ignoring me again. I kept texting him trying to figure out what was wrong. He kept saying everything was fine and i said ok can we hang out again? He said maybe i was like why? He just kept saying maybe … our last conversation we had… i said what is wrong ? He said nothing is wrong everything is fine. I asked him why he keeps saying maybe. He said " maybe but i dont want to see you right now" i said why? He saix " im just not feeling it, if i wanted to date i would" i said why did you contact me less then a week ago wanting to go out? He said i didnt.. even though he did. So i said should i just move on or what? He said whatever you want to do. So i said that he was really confusing me and asked him if he had anything more to say before i move on? My messages were turning green so i panicked he blocked me and reacted irrationally. I said " omg did you block me? My messages are not going through. Even texted him on my work phone asking what was up. And called him twice ( please dont judge me i know it is pathetic i never was this type of girl before him) so he replied and said " Ok I'll block you now" then immedietly blocked me. He has never blocked me before since I have met him he will just ghost. Is this ths final discard aka " grand finale? Did i just push him too far? this has upset me so much its hard to even function.

Was never promoted in 11 year I was in army , but I was a bloody good grunt , temperament of a rat catcher’s terrier, fast able ,

in army I was flying , already had big head start , was used as examples to others , my problem was lack of formal education , had education level of 11 at 16. But same problem , nightmares , freak outs , till senior nco took me to one side, spoke to me as equal, that’s when I knew when it would happen, what triggered it , I would tell him and he d arrange for a single room for me , told all the rest to not interfere, or try help , that’s when I learned to never leave this room , a code word to tell rest of them it’s ok now , he kept me away from shrinks or been kicked out if army cos I more than useful .

I told her “ I will never hit you , never cheat o. You, if you want me to never lie don’t ask about my past cos I will lie”

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Put in care at 5 adopted at 7 taken to another country , from 7–11 I was taught by adoptive dad to survive in a military way , I often disappeared on US military base , to live for a few days rough , mum taught me how to keep house , cook clean , iron clothes, very independent , capable by 11, could hunt , kill prey , cook it eat it without getting food poisoning, make camp, shelter, was equal to most service men aged 25 , dad was an expert,.

There were 4–5 instances a year fading to 1 per year as I got older so in 32 years my wife saw maybe 100 instances, each time gleaming a little bit more info , I never expanded on any of this , read my past li es in Quora to learn more,

I could strip , fault find , repair, clean and reassemble most small arms used by US military by 11.

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moved into her house , we shared a room

eventually maybe even reluctantly got my first girl at 19.

I awoke after 4 hours of not moving wondering g WTF , they all looked terrified as I still had golf club in my hand, totally naked.

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then it went to shit in 1974, ended up in U.K. care system again, they had never come across any one like me , I kept to myself , refused to mix with others , refused offers of temporary care or adoption ,didn’t attend school, after 6 months my odd behaviour was accepted as u was no trouble, rarely ate at meal times , did my own laundry , cleaned my own room , others had to share , not me , had access to kitchen did my own meals after 8pm , left it cleaner than I found it ,

Ayer walking out in my wife and daughters 10 years ago, I’m only one to know , working this out on my own , but I can’t go back till I’m fixed, even then it’s only maybe , cos what fucked me ip was constantly been abandoned, then I realised recently that that’s what I did to them ,